A Message to Spammers:

I do not need to have my penis enlarged.

My breasts are just fine as they are, thanks.

I don't know what HGH is, but it doesn't sound safe to me and I'm not going to try it.

Someone else will have to help the General's wife smuggle millions out of your country, because I won't.

I'm happy enough with the look of my website, but thanks for telling me it looks ugly. I'll just have to live with that shame, I guess, because I suspect your web design skills match your diplomacy and understanding of netiquette.

Hot teen sluts, I suggest you pawn your webcams and spend the money on air conditioning.

I would prefer not to get future mailings from you, but I am not going to reply with "Remove" in the subject. It will just encourage you.

Call me a philistine, but I'm not interested in world-class art at bargain-basement prices.

Attention Internet discounters: I am not looking for the latest electronics at prices so low you're practically giving them away.

My CD burner has enough problems making CDs; I fear trying to make a DVD would cause it to whimper and die, so no thanks.

Please don't tell me more.

Congratulations: Your clever subject line has tricked me into reading your spam. If you really want to impress me, though, see if you can get me to buy something (hint: I won't).

I did not opt in.

For some reason I am not inclined to trust your opinion on the application of House Bill 493 on the legality of your spam.

It's not that I don't believe that you'll remove me if I click the "Remove" link. It's just that...actually no, I don't believe you.

Thanks for using my name in the subject of your spam, but I capitalize it.

I'm sorry that you don't seem to be able to afford a return-box for your email, but that doesn't mean you can use my address when you fake the "From:" field.

If you're so good at playing the stock market, why are you wasting time spamming me?

Private investigators: I am not looking for anyone and I don't want your software. Why not investigate a way to stop bothering me?

Thanks, but my home is pretty secure. I only wish my email in-box was!

Bored housewives: not interested, thanks. But if you're that bored, why not take up a computer game on the machine you're using to spam me? It's fun AND you won't be annoying total strangers.

I could stand to lose some weight, but your miraculous all-natural herbal product doesn't appeal to me. Go figure.

I'm not looking for drugs, but if I were I'd have to ask: if your drugs are legal, how can they work?

My mortgage is low enough, thanks.

Hot pre-teen sluts: I really hope that you're actually sweaty bald 45-year-old men who will soon be in jail.

Incest/bukake freaks: please seek help. Somewhere other than my mailbox, preferably.

Online Sports Gamblers—The odds are 100% that I won't be gambling with you.

It's always good to hear from you, old friend, but I'd like to hear from YOU—not the latest cute or touching story or picture you've decided to pass on to your huge FRAM list. Friendship only goes so far.

Not only does Multi-Level Marketing not work, it's against the law. If you didn't already know that, perhaps the police will explain it to you.

Sorority Girls/Cheerleaders: Shouldn't you be studying or practicing cheers?

Notice to Animal Lovers: Your practice is illegal and punishable by a fine of up to $6,000.00 and three years in prison (with apologies to Monty Python).

Your offer of free genuine sterling silver jewelry does not make me want to give you my credit card number.

Thanks for letting me know that supplies are running low. Please don't let me stop you from making a sale to someone else, because I'm not buying.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to take a pass on that free $100,000.00 cash grant from the government.

Education is a wonderful thing, but I fear I'd learn all the wrong lessons from the $500 doctorate bestowed online by your "school".

Finding a new job is not on my to-do list today, but if it was, I wouldn't do it through you.

I think it's safe to say that my real wife would not appreciate a new Russian wife in the house.

No, I don't want to buy your bulk email software, but I'll be thinking of you...

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Copyright 2002 by Peter Maranci. Revised: December 27, 2002. v.1.0